As much as it is a relief to know I am in remission, there are so many feelings which come along with it. And there are so many feelings that come with getting to the end of treatment. For me, those have come at the same time so the past few weeks have been overwhelming to say the least.
One of the main things is looking back at what you have been through and thinking WHAT THE Ffffff just happened… There isn’t a minute, second or hour, when you are diagnosed, where you are left to come to terms with whats happened. It is mission get started with treatment, and once thats underway it is all about learning to cope with the side effects. So for me, I am only just starting to think about and talk about what has actually happened. Personally, this involves acceptance that there is a chance that the cancer could come back, and learning to live with that anxiety.
Being told that there is a slim chance it will ever come back by the doctors doesn’t put this anxiety to bed for me, because there was also a slim chance this was actually cancer BUT they just wanted to eliminate it, and I wouldn’t have cancer because I’m me, I’m normal, I’m healthy, I’m normal, I’m fit, I’m normal, I’m young, I’m normal, and this wouldn’t happen to ME. But I did. And I’m now a nutter, by the way. But how can I trust my body now? Especially now that I’m not filling it with the anti cancer poison. It feels like I’m trusting the garden not to grow weeds again because I pulled them out once, and I sprayed a bit of extra weed killer.
What I am trying to say is, yes the treatment is over, and I feel like I have just woken up from a terrible, terrible nightmare. But the battle is far from won. I still have a hell of a lot of fighting left to do, I’m not done yet. I will win this fight thats going on in my head. Sorry, cancer. You’re one short to your dinner party this evening.
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